Melody Awakened...

Nostalgia

2009-10-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

So everyone in blogsville already knows i'm the worst blogger out there. here i am returning 2 months later to post a blog. I couldn't sleep, hence the reason why I'm up at 12 in the morning blogging as if to say it's going out of style.

You know what I miss? Life in the 90's, way before the internet, media, or technology over took my life. I loved everything about that time period. I actually saw my friends, when we made promises we stuck to them, people were still candid, and honesty was rewarded. Now in 09' anything goes. the word friendship has taken on a slightly new meaning. Honesty is now a figment of the imagination. People no longer say what they mean. Imagine we've now replaced warm bodies, with Facebook profiles, and comments as normal conversations. Almost everyone says what they think you'd like to hear. No one speaks from the heart anymore. Its all a game of who can say what and gain what? Even AIM has replaced group meetings. Hiding behind LOLs in order not to offend someone. Here you talk with a faceless individual whose words hold no merit. It's almost like a charade that we have to keep up. you feel compelled to do as others are doing, but it never feels right.

is it too much to ask for that I be able to communicate through touch, rather than a Wi-fi connection? may i get a warm hug rather than a meaning less 'poke' over facebook? How about an email that is at least up to a paragraph telling me how your day really was, and how you actually feel? Whatever happened to sending letters anymore? so that i know that you actually put heart and time into writing, and sending it.

I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling, but I'm pretty sure someone out there feels the same even if it is remotely.

family issues

2009-08-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

though I don't mind, I've realized that having a cousin who's older (by a year) than you have a baby out of wedlock, has its Extreme downsides.

Finding out that the kid from Chi*town (the one you like) is in your extended family ( though not by blood: which you found out yesterday (YES!!!) also has its bit of downside. I mean He feels like family, but then your thought are kinda umm well..you get the idea.

Hearing that your aunt (the one who supposedly did you mother dirty when she had a stroke) has cancer, is not thrilling. You def. wouldn't wish that on your worst enemy.

Having your mother tell you to hurry up and finish school because the best time to have children is in your 20s ( scary much??)

Making your own money for the first time in your life, and feeling the pain of having to spend it, or not knowing what to spend it on ( even though you used to be a shop-a-holic)

having your grandma come from Nigeria and having you gain weight from all her cooking ( you went from a size 7 to a size 9) and she claims it wasn't her food, that your hips are simply making room for the multiple kids you'll have when you get older ( this coming from a woman who had her frist child @ 19)

having your 3 years old brother warning you not to eat anything with peanut butter, cuz he doesn't understand that just because he's allergic to the stuff, doesn't mean its off limits to everyone else.

Good to be back

2009-06-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

I've definitely been on a long Hiatus. So much has happen, that trying to write about it all would just take me forever. I think that last time I made a post was in Late April. So just to catch the world up on what happened. 1) My birthday money was stolen from me. Unfortunately its one of those cases where I new the person, but was so saddened by their criminality to say anything. So I left it alone. I can only wonder what kind of desperation would make someone teal from another person. 2)My traitorous Aunt has cancer. The woman who tried in her own way to harm my mother. Instead of feeling gleeful, I'm actually saddened by this. Life has a funny way of affecting us all. One day you're the criminal, next day you're the victim. I wish her the best, and hopes she makes it. She's currently doing chemotherapy. 3) Umm I realized that I can wait for romance. Alot of people would think I'm waiting for perfection. I say NO " I'm waiting for something close to it, but never perfection". The way I see things. Education and family are my 2 top priorities Right now. To even get into a relationship wouldn't be fair to the guy or myself. How can make demands on another person to make me their #1 when they haven't gotten their situations in order? Statistics have shown that men are ready to settle down after education, and the scecurement of a job. so yea I can def. wait. 4) I got my first Job EVER! Currently working at a daycare/foster home. Its not so bad. being that it's ran by Nigerians, I pretty much get to do things my way! It's a very eye opening experience, because I've always wanted to work, and often envied people my age with jobs. But now looking back, i understand why my parents didn't want me working.
Anyways that's it for now...and btw I can be found on FB

You missed out. It came and Went.

2009-04-27T19:09:00.000-07:00

Birthdays have a very funny ways of letting you know who cares, who doesn't, or who just plainly forgot. I personally see birthdays as peace treaties. It's probably the only time where you can hit up a person with whom you've had a falling out, or a way for an old lover to tell you that they're still interested, or for a way to get back in touch with people you haven't spoken with in a long whlie. basically Birthdays are a time of forgiveness, of moving on, and knowing who really matters and who does not.

Perhaps I read the signs all wrong and you really weren't interested. So you call me on the 22nd. I called you back because I was unavailable at the moment, yet you didn't return my calls. How interesting. Here I was hoping that it was just a fluke, or somehow someway, our networks just didn't want us to connect. So i left it alone, thinking " well tomorrow is my birthday surely he'll call then." But you never did. I couldn't really get mad ( I' don't do anger). what annoyed me the most was that you were supposed to be interested yet all I got on facebook was a measly "happy b-day". SERIOUSLY, like are you kidding me? two can play that game I thought when I saw it, so I replied...'thanx'. Cuz your pathetic happy birthday didn't even deserve my precious thanx. Yes its the thought that counted, but if you couldn't "think" enough to call me, then I wasn't going to bother. Even after my birthday you didn't call. But you called Tonight. Why oh why? ( perhaps now is the time to confess that I lied tonite) It was a necessary white lie. Ok maybe not so white. but it was still necessary. I hate that feeling that comes, especially when someone could've done more, or something of that sort (I do have selfish tendencies but so what!). I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say is that out of sight is out of mind. if you're trying to win me over then shouldn't you have put in more effort? perhaps back in my younger years I would've sat by and still accepted your call whole heartedly regardless of how many days, weeks months or years you didn't call ( a bit of exaggeration). But I'm no longer a child, and its even harder to pretend like everything is kosher, especially when its not. So don't act all hurt, like you care, because i know deep down where it counts you really don't.

Today I'm reborn: birthday special

2009-04-23T06:07:00.000-07:00

AAah finally, what I've been waiting for...Today is my birthday!! I'd like to thank my mom, da, sisters, and brother, besies, and close friends. So far the day has been memorable...but the fun isn't here yet...Its only 9:08 for crying out loud!!!..pix very soon!! and I'll update this blog lata...

In April I'm reborn

2009-04-18T00:41:00.000-07:00

Hey fellow bloggers!!! I hope Easter found everyone in good spirits. Just finished my last day of spring break yesterday. I have class this morning. Ahhhhh...I wish i could get more sleep. My warm bed is practically shouting my name. How I'd love to succumb.

So spring break was quite fun. I loved every minute of it. I remember 2 people asking me what type of dance I do. I did modern dance before, and now I'm into Afro Caribbean dance. Afro-cari dance is INTENSE. After one workout, you'll feel muscles that you never knew you had in your body. On Thursday I actually went to the Alvin Ailey dance center and took one of their classes. It was a west African dance class, 90% of the attendees were white women, who work for corporate America. You should've seen them all as they walked in with wrappas tied around their waist...Even better was when they danced. This one white woman went into a frenzy. CHEI!!! arms everywhere, hair flying, Feet jumping, Back bending, and face fierce as hell. Then there was a dance battle with this one small Chinese lady and another white woman. In fact ehhh, they put me to shame. Imagine women who looked over the age of 35 could do all of this...

So my birthday is in 5 days. Yaaaay. I'm really taking my time and reflecting on my past years. Trying to figure out how I can better myself, and whether or not somethings are worth repeating.

Remember my friend U and her BF? well they never quite worked things out. They ended up breaking up the same day i was writing the blog about them. So a part of me is dissapointed to learn that love doesn't always conquer all. I mean nothing gold can ever truly last. Thats just a part of life we all have to learn to deal and cope with.

Dance Practice

2009-04-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I had dance practice in brooklyn. I thought it just be a "hop on the train" kinda thing and we're there, but Nooooo. Aftr taking a bus, then the train I had to meet one of my dance partners. We took 2 trains ( one had to go into manhattan b4 brooklyn) then when we finally got out we had to take another toitslast stop...and then we gt piked up. I was pretty tire by the time we reached brooklyn. ( advice to readers: its take approx 2 hr to get to brooklyn from Queens, but by car its 20-30 mins ) I was sooo VEXED and hungry by the time we finally emerged from underground, that My friend and I ran into Subways to grab a sandwich. We finally get in only for a homeless man, to come in and start dancing in front of our table. So i decided to encourage him by singing along " blame it on the a a a a a alcohol..." ( that man had moves!!! had I not been so hungry the good samaritan in me would've offered him some of my sandwich, but no one comes between me and my food during a time of hunger: I simply won't allow it)

When Love isn't Enough: part 1

2009-04-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of those days, where I found myself spending a few mins. with some friends on the last day of school. We were all sitting and talking about our plans for Spring break. The Idea was just not to be at home. So I asked one of my coolest friends (lets call her U.) what she had planned and she was like “O I don’t even know anymore”. Weird coming from her, this was the girl who was SUPER Juiced cuz her BF was coming home from school for the break. So being the nosy person I was I pushed and pushed until she finally told us.
Turns out that her BF is sick ( so I’m thinking: and?? Just take the boy some pepe soup and make some “face time”) But as she went on to explain what type of sickness he had, I just felt sad.
When U first started dating her boo, her cousin was like “you know he has sickle cell right?” But U didn’t think much of it, and she was like “soooo….what does that have to do with anything?” Though I don’t know the timeline of when things were said I have to go on an educated guess starting from now. So U’s BF finally told her that he has sickle cell disease. ( I already knew that people who have sickle cell tend to be in a lot of pain: one of my friends father had it…he was sick like almost every month). U also learned that her boyfriend wanted to have kids. It was and still is very much at the top of his list. Because he has the actual disease, the chances of him having a healthy child is almost slim. That’s where the woman plays a critical role. The chances of him having a healthy child with a woman who doesn’t have the disease is 3 out of 4. (Pretty darned good chance if you ask me). According to him: he can’t marry a woman who either has the disease or has the trait if he want kids.
U went on to tell us that she recently went to the doctor for a check up and some blood work ( This is the part where I got that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach). Turns out she has the trait. ( why oh why??????)
She called up her BF. ( they always take a day out to just talk about any and everything). So she asks him to tell her more about his disease…and he does. He doesn’t want any of the kids he’ll have in the future to have to go through the pain that he goes through. ( This is the part where I urge you all to run to the search engines and type in sickle cell disease/anemia).
Now at this point some readers may be like well….what’s the problem. U is a carrier of the gene, and her BF has the disease. Their chances of having any HEALTHY kids together is very slim. Here you have two people who are very much in love. Both are from the same ethnic group in Naija, so you’d think there are no problems…right?? Wrong. I told U that she can always do more research on the disease to find out more, and see if anything can be done..after all they’re still young. Then I said well to be honest, If you love him very much, and run out of options…there’s always adoption. Then she gave me that look. ( I can’t blame her) ( most naijas/africans in general don’t do adoption unless they are barren and this is not a case of infertility) she went on to say well even if I do adopt, what will my family think and that she is right. She also stressed that she wants to know “ what he and I will look like together” ( after that statement my heart broke even more)Most families don’t take too kindly to bringing an outsider into the family, especially a child who is not of blood relation to come and bear the family name.
So when I think about this whole thing, it just makes me sad all over again. Here I thought love was supposed to conquer all. I mean who doesn’t want off springs? Most of us do, but at what price? Are we willing to give up perhaps the only person who will ever love us whole heartedly for something else of equal importance? So my heart goes out to U and her BF. I hope you both find a way to stay together…even though one person may not get what they want. I’m praying for you guys, and I urge you to have faith, because as Ayo said yesterday “ there is nothing prayer can’t do”.

There is nothing else i can do but to dedicate this song, to a very sweet and caring girl. One who i know will love a person with all her heart and leave out nothing. One that I'm afraid will evetually end up sacrifising her own happiness for that of another person. So here is "Feel My Love" by Adele.

Na juju??

2009-04-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up at my usual time; 5:30 am, to get ready for Saturday class. Come time to leave I couldn't find my metro card. Not just any regular metro card. A transit check; this allows me to ride the bus/train unlimited for a while year. So now i was frustrated and asked my youngest sis if she had seen it. turns out my parents found it on the floor and when i questioned them, they had no idea what they did with it...arrrgh. so my father thought he might've put it in the garbage. yours truly had to don some gloves and sift through garbage looking for it. Couldn't find it there, so instead i took money from my dad for transportation. i went to open the front door to leave, and turns out i was locked inside. Never mind that the door wasn't actually locked. a screw had come undone, and lodged into the bolt hole. trapping me and my family inside. so once again i called daddy to the rescue.... and even he couldn't open it!!...by now it was 8:00 and my class starts at 9. ( its takes me approx 45 mins to get to school...an hour on a bad day...like this) so after hammering, and sliding a knife through the lock part of the door, nothing happened. Then my mother got the brilliant idea of me climbing through the window. i was flabbergasted. but then i ended up doing it. With the help of my father, i climbed on top of our PC to reach the window...nearly ripping my pants in the process. finally got my foot onto the jeep and hopped down. I ran to the bus stop (I never knew i had this much speed in me). by the time i got to the train station to buy a new metro card its was 8:24. The next bus didn't come until 8:40. Imagine the look on peoples faces when i walked into lecture late. me that's always there before the professor and everyone else self....but on the bright side today was the last Saturday class...next week is spring break!!!! but how am i supposed to leave the house without my transit check now????

The girl who broke her mother's comb

2009-04-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

Ahhh. Its good to be back. I love the sound of my fingers racing across the keyboard...click click clock clock...lol. So this week was more than productive for me. Slowly approaching spring break, so i cant complain much. Five more days to go, and freedom is mine!!

I have a confession to make. I haven't been totally honest with myself or others. This has been going on since January. This issue has become damaging. I can't hold it in anymore.
I'm in dire need of a PERM!!!.
Who was I fooling thinking I could go natural?? 3 months without that creamy white crack known as relaxer.....the only thing that can manage this my tumble weed I call hair. Last time i got my hair relaxed was Dec 08'. Can you imagine? After that perm, i though well since they say going natural is good, why not give it a try? So me and my mumu self, abandoned my hair for sooo long. Combing it is now difficult. Infact there are some days I don't even put the comb to it. I just take one head scarf and wrap it around. When my Friends ask I tell them I'm fasting!! lol.
But after a while I realized that laziness kept me from getting my hair done. Now everyone is complaining, from my father to my mother, to my friends. as if to say that its a national crisis. I keep telling them I'm a college student abeg! i have no time for such frivolities. It's not like I'm looking for a husband. And if i was, what happened to "take me as I am".
According to my mom, "no man wants a woman who looks like onye ara ( crazy person)"
see insult oooo. She's only on my case because I broke her favorite wide teethed comb. Now she curses my hair every chance she gets. So I've decided to give in and finally get my hair done. No no perm...not right away...I'm thinking kinky twist first. Never had it done before but I've always loved the "natural" look of it....

Don't talk to me

2009-03-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

How do you tell the people you chill with that the newest addition to the group is a fake-O.

Dear readers,
I'm currently dealing with an emotional vampire right now. You know the type. People who don't give a rat's ass about others. They suck the energy from people and give nothing back. then when you try to sublty let them know that you don't appreciate their behavior they suddenly catch the DRAMA QUEEN SYNDROME.
Now don't get me wrong, i have no real problem with this person. its just that They're so vulgar, loud, rude and obnoxious. Now i dont normally get into the habit of telling people how to behave in public, but OMG this person drove me mad!! the worst part is I have yet to let my other friends know how i feel. For one, they always tell me how wonderful this person is, and how cool, and how funny they are.I'm sorry but when did it become funny to make fun of an indian person just because they were muslim. Especially when one of the people that was with us is muslim. SMH.
now i'm at my boiling, because for me to sit here all day and rant is just not my kind of thing to do. lets just say i'm fed up with this person and their behavior. up to the point that if he/she is with my friends i just walk away. Its like he/she put some kind of curse on them, that makes them fall for his/her foolishness. i mean i love my friends and all, but until this person came into the picture, i've been seeing them in a whole new light...like why do you fall so easily for this bufoonery? sigh** it makes no sense at all..

Anyways that all for today: Back to my Anatomy and Physiology!! test on monday. wish me luck

Play your luck @ love

2009-03-27T04:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Casino day @ QCC. Don't ask me what types of games there were, all I know was that there were cards, chips tables, and people with Chips in hand. Some winning, and some losing. I didn't know how to play anything, so I gave up my "cash" to someone. With the type of headache I had, i was forced to sit and read my romance novel, that I had just checked out from the library. Halee, sonia, and Ade ventured back and forth from the games to me, for which i was grateful or else I would've fallen asleep.

Watching them I realized that something fishy was going on. The guy that originally like Halee, was talking to Ade. Then it hit me: this isn't the first time they had the same guy vieing for both their affection. There's the computer guy ( whose name shall remain unknown to you the reader) who in the beginning liked Ade ( before she even met halee) Then he started talking to Halee. What do both guys have in common? They're both Jamaican, as are all the guys in that school who've bee trying to talk to me, Uwa, Halee and Ade. Me on the other hand, I learned quickly that guys of any background can be players. My bullshit detector goes off at an alarming rate every time "nonsense chin gum chewing boys" try to spit game. I think its all a conspiracy. Its like they're tryna get with all the Nigerian girls, let alone the fact that we're all like sisters, and hang out together, so its not like they ( dudes) don't know what they're doing.

Then there's the "other" who for some reason loves giving me mixed signals. If i was remotely interested I'd be alarmed, but at this rate I'm only disgusted cuz I definitely am not feeling him, and he has the nerve to try and talk to another one of my friends at the same time. Ugh! And people wonder why I have a low tolerance for guys ( who aren't my close friends or besties). They all come with the same sorry excuses and the same pathetic lines.

Grow Up!

2009-03-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

Long day today. Finally got on the bus, trying to make myself comfortable in a seat that was designed to torment my back..errr. A woman who looked like she was in her early 40s got on the bus. Sat all the way in the front...proceeded to take out something from her pcoket. Lo and behold its a {dun dun dun!!} SIDEKICK. I was so appalled its not even funny. One of my biggest pet peeves being played out right in my face. That woman had GHETTO written all over her. I don't understand what it is with grown ass adults playing with kid stuff. It bothers me, to see a grown person who looks like they could be my father, mother, aunt, or uncle with a sidekick in their hand. It's like they don't realize that they are OLD. Everyone knows sidekicks are only good for one thing...texting and AIM. thats it. Nothing else nothing more. I mean who the hell are these people texting? shouldn't they be busy looking after their kids, or rather calling home to see if everything is good on the homefront? After that "mama" ( which i secretly dubbed her in my head) calls someone and was like " well are you on Myspace? Oh word you in her top? well so am. Add me then". Like seriously, grow up and stop the madness please.

Day 1

2009-03-20T16:45:00.001-07:00

Of my abstinence from facebook. My internet lover. It's been a whole. I miss your pokes, inbox messages, your notifications, and pics....The little things you do...like the chat feature. So far I'm proud of myself. I can do this! right? right?!! yes i can do this...even though I'm currently suffering from withdrawal symptoms. the shaking, quivering, trembling and itch to sign back on. I promised myself that I could hold out until after easter...but thats far away....

So today I found myself in bed after everyone had left...half asleep and half awake, waiting for God knows what ( actually I know what I was waiting for...just dont wanna say it right now :P)
Ended up at the library..cuz mom kicked me out of the house (sigh*) woe is me. went to York, met up with BoDa ( LMAOOO: inny) and proceded onto Bebe's casa, where we spent the rest of the evening listening to songs, dancing, and catching up. It must be repeated..only this time i need a camera to capture the fun...def got the crazies.

And you say my name...

2009-03-19T21:43:00.000-07:00

So today I decided to deactivate my facebook account. Don't ask me why, its something that I felt I had to do for the time being. I need to feel like my life doesn't revolve around it. I guess I'm trying to make up for the times I've signed off only to find myself logged back on two secs later. Things like that can kill brain cells. Forgive my fragmented thoughts.

And so it hit me while talking to my neighbor a couple of days ago. The Naija community in NY is too small for my liking. Which is why i don't make it a habit of attending naija parties. The way I see it you're partying with the same people over and over again<< where's the fun in that? So I'll probably wait for time to pass before i finally make my debut at one of the parties ( the little form fitting dresses in my closet are begging for a night out in town). Another unfrotunate aspect of it is that , in NY, if you know one Nigerian you know them all. So lets say you know Kunle, whose cousin is Ola..turns out Ola was the dude your cousin dated a while back, but now he's dating chioma who happens to be one of your close friends from way back when. Now you like Kunle's friend Emeka, but Chioma doesn't trust him cuz they used to chill and he's not bf material<< Things like this i don't like. I think thats one of the reasons why I've never really bothered dating a naija guy. If there is no cheating involved, you better believe you're messing with someone's ex, and there's bound to be drama. So as of right now...I'm trying to keep a low profile ( right bebe? LMAO). Don't get me wrong I love naija guys. I love everything about them, from their swagg to their sense of humor, but getting involved with one in NYC is like a warrant for trouble.

tests, tests, and more tests

2009-03-16T15:03:00.001-07:00

sigh* study study study, eat eat eat...
The above is my life as of right now. can't complain since my grades are looking extra sexy :).
can't wait till spring break...the countdown begins NOW!
Two more tests and I can taste FREEDOM!

sick day...

2009-03-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

So i was extremely sick...borederline violent. That time of month came subtly ( if your disgusted, go away). The nausea hit me first, then the dizziness. All day I couldn't lay down and get some proper sleep. The cramps were just that bad. On top of that lil bro decided to have playtime galore and jump on me. Felt crummy through out. My hair at the moment look like a cross between Don King and wolverine :(. On top of that I have a 4 hour spanish class tomorrow morning, and a test to boot. There's also another test on monday...Anatomy Lab...adios mio.

So far I can't seem to keep food or medicine down. I've thrown up like 7 x in the past 10 hours or so. I feel utterly weak, and dehydrated. Unfortunately i have to cancel all my weekend plans. I simply wont be able to make it anywhere on my own two feet. My tummy looks flat...as though I've been getting ready for summer all winter long. (so thats how anorexics and bulimics do it . YUCKY).

awakened

2009-03-10T16:08:00.000-07:00

I know that God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes I just wonder...Though I dont question his plans for me. I know in the end its all for a good reason. His Love shall manifest in me. So as of recent, I had a heartbreak in one aspect of my life, but when i analyzed it, it wasn't really heart break. It was an awakening of something better to come.

What was that?

2009-03-06T13:59:00.001-08:00

LMAOOOO. ok first of...lets just say this is probably the most awkward and funny thing that has ever happened to you. What was that? Are you that bad of a socialist that, the whole thing went that way? You see this is what happens when meeting someone for the very first time. You play out the scenario in your head...everything is perfect, you enjoy one another's company...everything goes smoothly..and you end up meeting again.
well Lets just say this wasn't one of those meetings. In retrospect you just have to laugh, cuz at this point that all you can do. Either that or cry about it..lol. and everybody knows big girls don't cry. I mean don't you just hate it when people depend on you begin the conversation. After they see that its not gonna happen like that, they seem to lose interest. You see them getting restless..(usually the drumming on the table gives away the anxiety to leave). You try another location only to find that this one was worse than the last. There nothing else left ot do or say...and they finally walk away.
I say fine. The ball is no longer in your court. So as for now you are no longer in the game. Don't be concerned. You've done your part...and sometimes its not enough, for others. But is should always be enough for you

Not scared of Lions and Tigers and Bears

2009-03-05T18:45:00.000-08:00

If she knew anything about him, it was that...when it suited him he could be intransigent. He hadn't listened to her explanation, but was so immersed in his disapointment that he couldn't see the logic in her explanation...." I said I was sorry and I am..." Without realizing that she would do so she whirled around and walked out...
Three days later, she still couldn't forget...she needed some type of closure. Something that would help her sleep easy at night. Some thing to reassure her that his heart truly was cold, so that when she walked away she'd never have to look back...She had to make that phone call...but her pride was killing her...a heart wrenching sadness, that only brought tears. Nothing else left to do now, but to make that phone call...time. I need time.

Try again

2009-03-04T10:03:00.001-08:00

Remember when you were younger...a week shy of being 11 years old, and you discovered the power of prayer? Not that kind of "ok I'll pray once in a month,and forget about it kind of prayer". i'm talking about that "every night before you went to bed, its the last thought on your mind, and you just had to beg God for this type of prayer."
It was those skates. the one you saw on TV, and fell in love with, and you just had to have. The one where all the kids who put it on seemed like they could just glide through life. The smile on their faces, tugging at your heart strings cuz... well cuz..you wanted a smile like that too. So you prayed with heart. You begged and pleaded and made a deal with God..telling him that if he could grant you this you'll be the best, daughter, student, and sister there ever was. You prayed every night for approx seven months. Seven long hard months, whose passing days just dulled your spirit a bit, because those skates were never gonna be a reality. remember that?
then remember the day mom took you and your little sisters to toys r' us, and she bought you those magical skates. the pink and creamy white ones, with the strap on lace up fronts? my my my...you were the envy of the neighborhood. Even your sisters wanted to put their feet it, but you kept telling them that their feet were too big, and that the skates were custom made for your foot...you thought you were cinderella. remember the first time you tried to skate, only to learn that you had to practice skating, and that it wasn't as easy as it looked. you fell, over and over again, but that didn't stop you. Day in and day out you were outside again. little feet in skates against the pavements....Remember how all of this happened approx 10 yrs ago...and it all started with prayer...well I'm gonna need you to pray again. pray with your heart once more.

and yesterday

2009-03-03T05:57:00.000-08:00

A huge snow storm/blizzard decided to hit NY. Piled up to more than 10 inches. Decided to shovel the snow with my lil sis. We ended up having a snow fight. Nothing is more chilling than having snow stuffed down your jacket. So we finished shoveling only to find that the blizzard was ongoing. There was absolutely nothing to do all day yesterday, except watch movies, stay on AIM, listen to music, sleep, read, or referee the WWIII between my siblings. I hate feeling trapped in the house. These are things I can do and enjoy on a regular day, when the weather does not dictate my every move. On top of that My anemia decided to act up. No matter how high the heat was turned up, I couldn't get rid of the chill that went bone deep. I started feeling dizzy. To make matter worse my brother's babysitter couldn't get her car out of the snow, so i was stuck playing mommy all day long. ( I knew I shouldn't have been skipping all my iron tablets). Def. was not in the mood for anyone. Tried baking a whole chicken and cooking soup, to help my mood, but not even that worked. NOTHING worked. Tried calling Bebe...she didn't answer, so i fell asleep...didn't wake up until this morning...feeling a little better...but lets see how the day progresses..sigh*

the sweetest thing

2009-02-28T10:15:00.001-08:00

so the pianist and i have been talking for a while now...I love the sound of his voice on the phone, especially at night after a long day. He has this way of making me laugh in one moment, and frustrated the next. He knows just what buttons to push to get me to react. I've never really been a phone person, until him...now I'm looking at the bill, we started from 1 hour and moved on to 2 hours maximum. He's the first person i want to speak to at the beginning of each glorious dawn, and the last voice i want to hear when the sun finally sets.
it's an amazing feeling to finally find someone, whose intellect is at the same level of yours..well lets just say he has a year of experience ahead of me. He takes the term communication to a whole new level. I've never had my heart so bared to a person, my feelings so readable. It's safe to say I've met my match....

Mr. Therapy man

2009-02-23T19:27:00.000-08:00

I'm interested in the piano man.
He's ever so intruiging.
Long tapered fingers that glide
so so so easily across the keys,
black on white,
melody on top of one another
racing to be the first
and last tune that i hear.
O Pianist. Play me a soft gentle melody...
as my head falls on this cloud of softness.
Lull me to sleep,
as your fingers glide...
gently gently along my skin.
Brown on brown,
playing out the sounds that only nature can emit...
with dips and moans and glides and tones...
Pianist play me one of those forever songs...
that'll last me till the east comes alive and west sleeps once again.

one of those days

2009-02-21T09:14:00.000-08:00

Oh glorious saturday, you complete me like the sun completes the morning...the way hands complete a lover...the way music completes my soul.

I love saturdays..early morning cartoons, made even more enjoyable with a plate of cereal by my side. Warm in my jammies, remote in hand as tunes slowly drift from radio. the outside world creaks and moans as the wind brushes past my window. the hushed tone, and wild images from the TV, only induces this warm feeling...urging me to get more sleep, but i feel safe here..so i stay.

today is my neighbor's birthday...big shout out to him on turning 20. Happy birthday kiddo!!
hmmm i see more cookies in the future...lol.

Truce?

2009-02-16T14:51:00.001-08:00

so you know how things happen and someone you used to be cool with, just stop talking? Like perhaps they heard the wrong thing and never confronted you about it? I mean don'tget me wrong, I'm all for giving information to someone, but if i feel its gonna jeopardize another thing, I'd rather keep my information to myself....But thats not the point I'm trying to make...lets save that topic for another day. So today I decided to extend an olive branch. I mean one of us has to be the mature one and step up....since it wasn't going to be you, I took it upon myself to do something....But not without the help of a third person. You see the thing is...I'm an awfully blunt person. I ask question straight...I can't for the life of me stall when it comes to words. I 'm not one for pleasantries...I guess that explains why some people think I'm unapproachable. (and I'm still working on my flirting skills) Pretentious people...mainly females are a turnoff for me...you know the ones who have to shower a person with compliments, and cutesy little words... Like seriously get to the DAMN point you DIMWITS! you're wasting time.!!!
But as I've learned today...sometime you have to use those cutesy little words, you have to compliment others, because it is always easier to approach a person with sweetness, rather than harsh and direct words

happy wednesday

2009-02-11T18:34:00.000-08:00

So this morning i ventured out of my house in my big brown winter jacket, looking like mother bear. Got as far as the bus stop, and it hit me!! It wasn't windy, the sun was out and i was slightly glistening ( cuz we all know girls dont sweat ;) ). I lugged myself back home and quickly changed jackets.

Soooo as my schedule dictates...I had art and afro caribbean dance today. I realized that my new found friend joseph is gay. I mean he had feminine tendencies, but alot of dudes are that way. AND we were talkin about something and he said "my partner and I...." OMG i totally did a double take...like NO WAY!!! my first official openly gay friend. But he's really cool ( i mean any guy that offers to buy me food is automatically cool with me). J** was here today. wierd cuz he missed art last week. when he walked in I was like "well well well...look who decided to join us". So passing around the attendance sheet I saw that his last name is "husbands" like HUH??? what's the story behind that one?? but then I remembered my own last name and thought " i should be the last person to speak".

Next came dance. the instructor's name is June. She quirky, and sarcastic at the same time. I love sarcastic people. Dont ask me why. they always seem to know more than they let on. So yea, June had us doing 20 mins of exercise. By the time she was done I felt muscles that i didnt even know I had start aching. My head was pounding, and my heart was racing. June said "girl the way you huffing and puffin would put a woman in labor to shame"!! That definately got a laugh from the class.

Grandmother's hands

2009-02-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

I want to feel grandmother's hands
yet again, holding me in infancy
Hands that parted and plaited my hair into three
Three reminiscent of "I Love Yous"
That came undone every weekend
only to be done again
Those hands that gave fufu to an unwilling child
while promises of untold strength
entered my mouth.
The hands that were quick to discipline
a child who had picked off the
unriped tomatoes in her garden
Hands that later soothed and cajoled a child's worried soul
I want to feel grandmother's hands
Hands that seemed to clap the loudest in church
this child's first sound of salvation
The Hands of a rainmaker
whose rain poured into the garden of
my heart and filled it with joy
I want to feel the hands that cooconed me at night from
the unknown darkness
The hands that peeled ukwa all day long.
Hands of hardwork, of character, of motherhood
Hands that held the secret of the world with in each
line of her palms.
These hands nurtured my mother
How I long for grandmother's hands around me yet again.
To feel safe, to feel welcome, to feel what it means
to return home
Oh to be drawn into these hands
To be held in the arms of an aged wonder.

Dear Nobody: excerpt from "the little voice in my head"

2009-02-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

You amuse me plain and simple. You are my current source of entertainment, only you dont know this yet. Should I feel guilty? By all means yes. Do I feel guilty? By all means no. My guess is that you under estimated me. By doing so I can only conclude that you've bitten off more than you can chew. I guess it's because we laugh and joke together that you felt you could cross the line. You see it's this mind game I often play with everyone I meet. I feign complete naivety, because I know someone will eventually believe me to be so. I allow you to get comfortable. As you drop hints, I pick up on them. Overtime you become an open book...unknowingly...by this time I have no choice but to read. Some call it a defense mechanism, I call it being aware of one's surroundings.
So please don't get mad. I merely played my part, and you set things in motion for me. How does it feel being on the other side looking in? By crossing that line, you've isolated the people that were in your corner, the people that were willing to protect you. Does it irk you, knowing that this situation was orchestrated around lies? Dear nobody...I wont tell if you wont tell. I can fix this. All you have to do is swallow your pride and ask.

can i get some free time please???

2009-02-02T03:33:00.000-08:00

So I haven't really been keeping up with this as much as I should. I mean what normal college girl has free time on their hands anymore. The little free time I do get, I spend it by having an affair with dear old facebook, or if I'm lucky I might get a late night rendevous with AIM. School is in session and books are calling. So that reminds me. I decided to take afro-carribean dance and art this semester. Art is like 4 hrs. long!! like OMG! are you kidding me?? wednesday was my first art class. Ryan ( the professor) is not so bad....considering the fact that he has a facebook. So yea I did some snooping, and checked out his page before adding him heehee. In class there are approx. 3 and a half black kids. It's an approximation because I can't tell if the kid with the curly hair is hispanic or black. And s all the chairs form a rectangle around the room. All the way across the room from me sits J**. J** with the sweet cherubic face, looking like an innocent being who has yet to be tainted by the world. I snuck litle peeks @ him and I saw him slighty look up. When it was time to go, I saw him coming towards my direction. I panicked when he got about 2 feet of me. For some reason I turned around quickly and said HI!. He simply nodded and smiled, while I mentally kicked myself for my foolish action. Ican only say that art sure will be interesting for the next 14 weeks or so....sigh**

R.I.P

2009-01-30T13:58:00.000-08:00

And so the story goes...I got the news that a staff at my old highschool died this morning. There's a deep sadness within me, because he was only in his 40's. He was just a very jovial person, great personality. He never tried to talk down to the students. He treated everyone pretty much as an equal. I remember when I had become a senior, he let me cut the lunch line inorder to exercise my seniority. We had a good laugh over that, cuz no one took me seriously. Mr. Kirkland always saved me a pass to the library, even when they were about to run out. He always inquired about my mom's health, especially when he heard she had a stroke. He told me it would be ok, and ok it was. Unfortunately Mr. Kirkland did not survive the same stroke that my mother had. It took his life. My heart goes out to his family and everyone that ever met him, because until you've met this guy you'll never know how big of an impact he had on us. And so i venture out into the world now, ready to offer a smile to anyone who needs it, ready to tell jokes to brighten days.

Michael's: Like a kid in a candy store

2009-01-29T17:59:00.000-08:00

So today i went to Rego park for my art supplies. Michael's is the name of the store that held my future grade for art 211. I sauntered up the escalators thinking what kind of art store would need this much space. The place was absolutely amazing...so spacious. As my greedy eyes took in all the colors, I wondered where I should start...sooo i headed to the beads section. They had make your own bracelets, earring and necklaces do it yourself books!! and the color of the beads, the shapes, the beauty, was so overwhelming. It was at that moment that I realized i only had $60 and Michael's was hella expensive...arrgh so frustrating!! So i walked around taking my sweet time to get my school supplies. I ended up in the crayola section. It spoke to that childlike part of me. You know when I was ten, and used to watch the commercials of erasable markers, and retractable crayons, and amazon inspired colors. Needless to say I spent 35 mins in that section just going up and down, treating my eyes to a bevy of colors and new ways of coloring. I dont wanna bore you with the detail, buuut I did end back up at the beads section, to have another look, and that took another hour....I loved every part of it. I came home and added Michael's.com to my favorites list. Yours truly WILL be going back, and I will learn to make my own jewelry.

Will you look at that??? another great art store just came to my attention.....They call it Pearl :)

New beginnings

2009-01-28T09:55:00.000-08:00

Today is a new day. regardless of the horrible weather outside, I'm still glad to be up and about. school is finally in session, Than you Lord!!. Another reason to get out of the house. I no longer feel like I'm going through the motion now-a-days. Things are starting to fall into place. no more wondering, or waiting. I wish you could've been part of my plan though. Part of my satisfaction. But it's ok. I no longer think of you as much ( or so i tell myself). I no longer ask him "how you're doing"? why? I'm beginning to believe myself when i say " I don't care anymore". those wasted feelings are going into my school work. All the pent up emotions, things i wanted to say and do, and somehow never got to it. They're going to magically fuse together and turn into this great potential.

Inauguration day

2009-01-20T20:13:00.000-08:00

7:15 am: I'm awake...the excitement is about to kill me
The day is finally here. I cannot be there in person, so yours truly will witness history in the making on CNN.

So now the day has come to an end, the noise level lowered to a hum, but the electricity is pretty much still there, an underlying current.

Oh coonery!!!

2009-01-18T15:11:00.003-08:00

So the first blog should always be meaningful, but I'm starting to question if any thing truly has meaning anymore. But something tells me Blogspot is my place. Having given up on xanga in highschool, I jumped on sconex, did the myspace thing and decided to stay with Facebook. To be honest nothing is more satisfying than having a place to let it all out. This place where writer's block never happens, where names, dates and events never cease.

Allow me to recap:

January 16: Silence sneaks up on you when you least expect it. so cunning, so noiseless. It's a slow echoing sound of .....nothing. Nothing at all, as we pretend that the other doesn't exist. As I silently sit watching the Twilight zone, wondering if someway somehow I've been caught in one of the episodes. My eyes begin to glaze as I realize "I'm not really watching this crap", but instead watching you in a very subtle manner. I'm watching the screen, yet seeing your face as the light dances across, playing with the dark contours. I sat waiting for a signal, a chance, a change in body posture. something that would beckon to me and say " its ok to speak".....Instead you sat..so nonchalant. so I imitated your body language and left things unsaid. words that were up for grabs, yet none of us moved.

January 17: Winter in NY is such a beautiful thing. No it wasn't the coldest winter ever, that story had already been written, but with you it came pretty close. I saw every breath you took. I was visible yet you "brace me with you cold shoulder" and i wondered how that song could be so prophetic to my situtation. I welcomed the silence, acknowledged and embraced it. My decision that night? I'd rather keep my pride and wonder, than to lose it and wonder why?